If at first your don’t succeed then sky diving isn’t for you

One By One The Lawn Gnomes Slowly Steal My Sanity

Can't live with death; he's always leaving the toilet seat up

Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap

It is not a sign of insanity to talk to inanimate objects. It's when they start talking back...

Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking contest

 "If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

Who ever said "Nothing is Impossible" never tried nailing jell-o to a tree...

People that have physical scars try to hide them with clothing or a mask:
People with emotional scars try to hide them with a smile or a laugh.

There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall. 

Walking across the thin ice of my dreams, Fearing the cold waters of reality beneath me. Yet onward I tred.

People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within.